how many times is a healthy amount to check your email and every job listing site you know of in one day? every twenty minutes? twice? i am having a hard time not just sitting in the computer waiting for something to happen. it has become my life. a very boring, uneventful, depressing life. i could be doing so much more with my time. well, maybe if i didn't live in lompoc. i am still waiting to hear about the job i interviewed for last week, and i am beginning to feel less and less optimistic. this waiting game is a terrible game. i keep asking myself where God wants me and what his plans are through all of this. at first i enjoyed my time off. i finally had time to get back to my art. time to read. time to relax. well, i am done relaxing, and i am ready to live again. i am ready to contribute to our household, and have more exciting things to look forward to than my email and what i am going to cook for dinner. i have spent so much time and money going to school so that i could have a good and secure job. and now look at me. i am applying for jobs with hundreds of others, bound to the computer hoping that someone, just someone will see that i am valuable and an asset. all of this applying, waiting, and never hearing back is beginning to make me feel inadequate.
i am so thankful that luke has a job. and not only a job-- a job that he loves. well, for the most part (you know how that is). i would love his job. i just am beginning to resent moving out here. we moved to the central coast believing that God wanted us here to reach the youth. did he want us here? and if he did, now where? i am so tired of waiting. i am anxious all the time. constantly checking and rechecking job listings and my inbox. checking the mail in hopes of some good news. i just don't understand. i find myself not wanting to get out of bed in the morning knowing that all i will do is sit in front of a computer scanning over the same job listings i did before. it's a bit boring and depressing. and if that wasn't worse enough, i live at least an hour away from most of my friends, and everyone else has a life that they are living and loving. while i sit here, waiting. waiting for the next chapter in my life. wondering where we will end up, and when. the sooner the better, in my opinion. i want to find my niche in life. is it education? is it in an office? is it painting? is it writing? who knows. i want to do something that i love and something that will make a difference in peoples' lives. i want to feel worthy, and educated, and wanted. needed. accepted.
despite my setbacks i am rather happy, as, after all, i am a generally happy person. i am happy, but ready for a change. i am ready to not stress about our finances. i am ready to wake up and feel like i am doing what i am "called" to do. i am ready to get on with my life. my life is in God's hands. and i know he has something up his sleeve. i am just so ready...
oh waiting game. can i please put all the pieces away, close the box, and start something new? please?
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